Sept. 8, 2017

Greetings —

We at Apple are aware that many of our fans are perturbed about a recent revolutionary change that we’ve made to our latest and greatest piece of technology, the iPhone 8. While most of our wonderful enthusiasts understand that Apple is a forward-looking company that works to bring the future to today, some who may not have the same imagination have expressed doubts about the new phone. “Why remove a technology that so many are still using?” they ask.

Well, that’s okay. We understand that not everyone can immediate appreciate how prescient our company is. Let us explain.

As everyone knows, texting has become the primary means of communication in today’s connected society. It allows us to send messages quickly, cleanly and with immediacy, without the kind of extraneous chatter that marred more old-fashioned types of interaction. It means that we can exchange personal and business messages without interrupting meetings, movies or musical performances. It has become the preferred method of personal contact of the majority of iPhone users around the globe.

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